Beyond Male Bonding

I'm yet another 25 year old closet case. No one knows I'm bi except for two very close friends of mine who I only just recently told about my nocturnal activities with members of the same sex. Needless to say I've never had a deep connection with a guy I've hooked up with beyond that sort of shallow friendship you develop with a fuck buddy you've seen more than twice. For me it's due to the nagging fear that if I really open up I'm letting him in to know who I really am: where I work, what my interests are, where I live, what I did over the weekend...for me that's creating a liability, a loose cannon that at any moment could blow my cover to the world! Paranoid I know but this is the life I've chosen to lead! 

So I choose to lead this crazy double life that no one knows about. I've only date girls, to me that's the only option. To find that one special girl who will make my heart sing, who I will marry, we'd both have great jobs, the house with the white fence, the 2.5 kids and a dog. Since I was a little boy this is what I've known to be the perfect family, it's what I see with my parents, with some of my relatives and my friends parents all the time. Now here's the kicker - my folks are high school sweethearts! A lot to live up to! But what's great is that my parents are incredibly cool and pretty much as up to date as parents go. I drink and shoot the shit with them every Sunday during Mom's Famous Sunday Dinners. They totally understand that the world has changed since they were young and it will take some effort and time to find the right girl for me etc etc. So I continue my search for this girl all the while hooking up with guys confusing myself further.

More recently I had a great relationship with this girl for about seven months, things were going well we were on the serious track to long term when something just didn't feel right. I wasn't in love and to be honest I don't know if I ever was. I got caught up in how great our relationship looked on paper - we were an amazing match, both successful, great families, catholic, liked dogs - the works! However, my roommate (he's one of the two that knows about my bisexuality) made this great point: He said I was stuck in this limbo feeling, you're not in love, you don't hate her, you have a good time because on paper you match really well, but why isn't there that love spark if you are so right for each other? It means you weren't meant to be. That really hit home, I wasn't happy so I ended the relationship and I'm went back to being single and looking for "The One".

Now, I've had my fair share of male hook ups, more recently I've been able to become more like friends with one or two of them which is still a work in progress. With the help of my roommate and reading Blurred's Blog "Closet Case 3498", I've come to the realization that if I don't try these things out I'll never truly know what will make me happy in life. That may mean I need to adjust my notion of a perfect family. Maybe that means I find a man I fall in love with and adopt kids or whatever...I simply realized that I need to be more open to finding what will make me happy, what will give me that feeling of total fulfillment.

That being said...I'm jumping off the deep end...I'm going to start dating a guy and this blog will help me organize my thoughts about what happens. I hope to provide closeted guys out there with a first hand account of what they could expect when dating a guy for the first time. Granted I am not going to be dating entirely openly but you get the idea. I also hope that the readers of this blog will comment and provide insight from their personal experiences as well.

I mentioned that two very close friends know who I really am, I wanted to take a moment to thank them. Without these two people I wouldn't have the strength to take this next step in my life.

Our first date is Thursday night so I hope to post one more time before then to describe the situation going into the date! I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life!

Be Well